This post has been mulling around in my head for a while. Not because I couldn't find the time to write it, but because I don't want it to be taken the wrong way. I've struggled with the guilt of my feelings. I've been trying to process it all on my own, but maybe just getting it all off my chest will help.
The kids have aged to 7 and 9. We also have a little one who will be 1 in a matter of days. 374 has picked up more responsibility at the station - not only in the office, but as a driver for the EMS as well. His EMS duties are scheduled. His office duties are time sensitive. He enjoys everything he's doing. So why am I having a harder time with him out of the house now that I did in the beginning?
I like to tell myself it's because of the baby. That being home with three kids is more work than just two. At the end of the day after taking care of the baby and getting the kids to and from school and activities sometimes I just want to hand the reigns to him, and some days I can't. It might be meeting night, work night, time to do reports, or he may be on call with the squad. I can feel the nagging "You'd rather be there than at home..." feeling creeping in. It's a normal feeling for a fire wife from time to time. I know I've even spoke those words out loud to him a few times. It makes me feel bad. It makes me feel like I'm not being the supportive wife I said I'd be.
I've decided that I need to stop resenting the fact that he has these obligations and again find the pride in what it is he's doing with his time. Life is fluid, things change. What matters is how we adapt. Now is my time to get back into my groove. I'm sure there will be more changes in his fire career. Duties will shift, obligations will arise. It's not that he is doing this to avoid his family. I have to remember he is doing it FOR his family. He wants his children to learn to give back. I need to remember my part in his life of service. Sometimes it's hard, but all I can do is keep pushing through.
I'm hoping by being more active here again will help. We are getting excited for our family trip to FDIC. Maybe that will help kick my mind back in gear.
374 and Sassy before her Father/Daughter Dance last weekend